How To DEAR MAN PODCAST SCRIPT

Welcome to How To.  Have you ever known what you wanted to say, but struggled to say it without becoming frustrated or backing away? Today, we will practice how to use a communication skill from dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT called DEAR MAN.

By the end of this podcast, you will be able to name its seven parts, understand how to use it during conversations with others, and respond effectively when a conversation becomes distracted or difficult. You can pause or replay this lesson whenever you need more practice.

DEAR MAN, D-E-A-R M-A-N helps you ask for something or say no directly. It cannot guarantee agreement, though, but it can diffuse some difficulty. First, decide what you want and whether this is a useful time to ask. If you feel too overwhelmed to speak effectively, take time to settle yourself before starting the conversation. Writing down your thoughts using the DEAR MAN worksheet is very advisable.

Think of the skill in two parts. DEAR helps you decide what to say; MAN helps you manage how you say it.

You will create in two parts, a request using Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce, and demonstrate staying Mindful, Appearing confident, and Negotiating when someone resists.

Narrator: Our example involves two neighboring classrooms. Ms. Giron’s students have independent reading from ten to ten thirty. During that time, Mr. Lewis’s students participate in group activities with music. Ms. Giron speaks with him privately after class. Listen for each part of the skill.

Ms. Giron: During reading time from ten to ten thirty this week, I could hear music and students calling out from your classroom. I’m concerned because several students have stopped reading and asked about the noise. Would you lower the music and remind students to use quieter group voices during that half hour? That would help my students concentrate while your students continue their activities, and I would appreciate your help.

Narrator: D means Describe. State observable facts without assigning blame or guessing intentions.

Ms. Giron said: During reading time from ten to ten thirty this week, I could hear music and students calling out from your classroom.

Narrator: E means Express. Explain your feelings or perspective using an I statement.

Ms. Giron said: I’m concerned because several students have stopped reading and asked about the noise. I’m finding it difficult to help them stay focused.

Narrator: A means Assert. Make a direct, specific request.

Ms. Giron said: Would you lower the music and remind students to use quieter group voices during that half hour?

Narrator: R means Reinforce. Explain a helpful result or offer sincere appreciation. Avoid threats or promises you cannot keep.

Ms. Giron said: That would help my students concentrate while your students continue their activities. I would appreciate us finding something that works for both classrooms.

Narrator: Now we move to MAN: how you manage the conversation.

Mr. Lewis: My students need opportunities to move and talk. They can’t be quiet all morning.

Ms. Giron: I understand that movement and discussion are important. I’m asking about the noise level during that specific half hour.

Mr. Lewis: Your classroom gets loud sometimes, too.

Ms. Giron: I’m open to discussing when our noise affects your class. For now, could we finish working out a plan for reading time?

Narrator: M means stay Mindful. Acknowledge the concern and return to the specific objective. Ms. Giron says: I understand that movement and discussion are important. I’m asking about the noise level during that specific half hour

This illustrates Ms. Giron’s mindfulness and acknowledgement without losing her objective for the conversation.

Ms. Giron says: I’m open to discussing when our noise affects your class. For now, could we finish working out a plan for reading time? I’d like us to agree on a plan that supports learning in both rooms.

Narrator: A means Appear confident. You can feel nervous and still speak clearly. Listen to Ms. Giron’s steady pace and comfortable volume.  Replay to hear.

Mr. Lewis: I can lower the music, but the group activity is part of our lesson.

Ms. Giron: Could you keep the activity and use a quieter voice-level reminder? If the music needs to be louder, could that portion begin after ten thirty?

Mr. Lewis: That could work. We’ll start with quieter group work and save the music activity until afterward.

Ms. Giron: Thank you. Let’s try it for a week and check in Friday to see how it works for both classes.

Narrator: N means Negotiate. Explore alternatives that address the underlying need.

Narrator: This is one possible outcome, and if the outcome is still somewhat resistant, then you complete another DEAR MAN. The skill helps you communicate clearly; it does not control the other person’s decision.

Narrator: Now practice on your own by listening to the following dialogue and filling in your DEAR MAN Worksheet.  Pause the dialogue if you need to record your answers.

Ms. Bright: “My class has not been able to use the shared tablets during our scheduled afternoon activity.”

Mr. Brooks: “We’ve been keeping them longer because my students need more time to finish their projects.”

Ms. Bright: “The tablet cart arrived after our scheduled 1:00 start time on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.”

Ms. Bright: “I’m concerned because I’ve had to shorten the activity, and some students haven’t had a turn.”

Ms. Bright: “Could you return the cart by 12:50 so I have time to set it up?”

Ms. Bright: “That would help us begin on time and give every student a chance to participate.”

Mr. Brooks: “Your class returned the art supplies late last week.”

Ms. Bright: “I’m willing to discuss the art supplies. First, let’s finish making a plan for the tablets.”

Mr. Brooks: “I can’t promise my students will finish by 12:50.”

Ms. Bright: “I understand they need time. My class also needs access during our scheduled period.”

Mr. Brooks: “Could we keep half the tablets until 1:15?”

Ms. Bright: “We could try that on Tuesdays and Thursdays if you return the other half by 12:50. On the other days, we need the full cart. Would that work?”

Mr. Brooks: “Yes. I can organize our projects around that schedule.”

Ms. Bright: “Thank you. Let’s try it for a week and check in Friday.”

Pause for 10 seconds.

Answers

• Describe: “The tablet cart arrived after our scheduled 1:00 start time on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.”

• Express: “I’m concerned because I’ve had to shorten the activity, and some students haven’t had a turn.”

• Assert: “Could you return the cart by 12:50 so I have time to set it up?”

• Reinforce: “That would help us begin on time and give every student a chance to participate.”

• Stay Mindful: “I’m willing to discuss the art supplies. First, let’s finish making a plan for the tablets.”

• Appear Confident: “I understand they need time. My class also needs access during our scheduled period.” Deliver this statement clearly, with a steady pace and comfortable volume.

• Negotiate: “We could try that on Tuesdays and Thursdays if you return the other half by 12:50. On the other days, we need the full cart. Would that work?”

You have just finished completing your practice for DEAR MAN, I hope you did well, if not replay the lesson and repeat the process.

I hope you enjoyed our session of How To: DEAR MAN.